The Republic of Dissent

The last lecture

Randy Pausch  has changed my life. .for good...

Change I believe in

2010 is the year when I have finally realized that change is necessary and can be great as long as you are the one making it by taking control of your destiny and by deciding to stop, as Steve Jobs (the Apple guy), to live someone else's life. I've been blogging for 4 years now. Along the way, in spite of my self and against received ideas, I have realized that it isn't just a phase for me or something that I'm doing hoping to find something else or while waiting to stumble upon bling-bling or happiness. Because of this unshakable reality, because blogging is neither a temporary thing nor a hook and has become my most enjoyable activity, I have decided to put it at the center of my existence by changing the way I blog and by becoming, finally, fearless.

I have decided to make a few changes. The first important change will come on January 25 when I come out the shadows  and into the light. 2010 is going to be a fun and unbelievable year because I'm going to be more daring and more willing to shake things up. Happy New year and let's the fun and the countdown begin.

Everything is white

Walking in New York is painful .The snow is omnipresent and is melting to form a staining sea of crap, which just ruins your clothes or your shoes if you are not careful, but again it is difficult to be careful while walking in New York while frantically talking on the phone among people rushing to find a last minute Christmas gift. In any case, I wondered, as I was walking in the streets of Manhattan, why New Yorkers reelected Mike Bloomberg when it is painfully clear that the city needs somebody who is aware of the fact that others cities such London, Paris, and Madrid are catching up by having Mayors who are Sarkozyingly ambitious not just content with the status quo.

Sparks

I'm in a desperate need of a spark...

The train

I had a great long birthday weekend. It was fun even though every time I take the train in the US, I wonder why don't Americans take public transportation more seriously especially in a times when climate change is no longer a joke. In any case, when you take the train in New York to go to Philly or anywhere else, the ride is long even if you take the Acela Express (The fastest train but still not even close to the TGV) because no efforts are made to make it a unique experience. To come back to my long and short vacation, I think that maturing is about realizing that life is a lot like law school (unfortunately) in the sense that it is a marathon not a sprint and that you have to pace yourself and to keep your focus not to miss the train to your destination. One of the major differences between life and law school is that you get more chances and, more often than not, more choices (which can be a bad thing) to become top dog or to simply be happy.

Celebration

I'm going to be lost in the middle of what I hope will be meaningful and inspiring activities this weekend and at the beginning of the week because Tuesday is my Birthday. So posts might be rare or they might not be for I'm an addict to blogging. I will be back Wednesday as an older and hopefully more mature and inspired woman person.

Nothingness

I have nothing to say,but that's due to the fact that I'm too tired and way too busy. I can't believe that we are in December 2009 ! I have decided not to have any material Christmas gift this year, just some positive and inspiring thought to make a difference. This decision may mean that I'm either too cheap this year or just too original, or just both.

A week to reflect

I'm taking the whole week off in an effort to find things to be grateful about. I'm trying to say that this isn't for me the most wonderful time of the year, at least not yet, and that I'm desperately trying to find, to buy, to steal some perspective not to be bruised terminally by self-doubt, self-derogation or self-pity. To make this less personal, what it means that I just have to read a great book and I'm planning to read Le Rideau by Milan Kundera, which is a literary essay so it can only put things in their right place. Happy Thanksgiving! Don't follow my example, just enjoy life and its simple pleasures without intellectualizing every single damn thing !

Scaring Women to death

I went to see the doctor and it was an interesting visit because it made realize how easy it is to scare women about their health and to make them feel inadequate. I went for a somewhat issue and I ended having to hear about breast cancer, the new flu, kids, and menopause (that is so far away I hope). As I was there almost freezing to death, it became clear that women aren't supposed to own their bodies, that they have "to get buns out the oven" to be useful. Even in the United States, as in some barbaric countries, women are born to breed or rather to be breed and filled by divinely manly seed. All over the walls of my doctor's office, there were advertisement about weight loss, plastic surgery, getting great eye lashes, regaining a super body after giving birth, and I thought:  Man ! No wonder women are so hard on themselves and on each other. They are taught that not to be picky with guys, but to have impossible standards when it comes to other women and their own bodies. What are the benefits of having an uterus if you don't see as your God given duty to procreate? I remember that as a kid, the expressions that I hated the most were in English "she is with child" and the following question in French that was popular when a young girl got pregnant and that of course, the coward who had knocked her up had all but disappeared :  "qui l'a engrossée?"

Le jour le plus court

I've been moving non stop this Saturday, catching up on my work, reading a lot while watching soccer, football. The only good thing about watching football is that it makes you forget that you are not feeling well (wink to Craig to apologize for everything and to promise that we will get together in DC before December!). In any case, it is almost 11 and it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to go to sleep for I still have so much to do. What it is with New York and the rain this year? It makes me wish that it were colder so that we could at least get some sunnier weather.

Unconscious

I've had an unconscious Sunday in the sense that I'm just waking up and it is almost 11 pm. I guess it means that I'm going to spend the night working. Well, the good news is that it seems that I didn't lose much by oversleeping even though I lost my Saturday by watching the House of representative debate the Health-care bill. As I watching it, I realize that there is really at least two Americas as the politician that we all love to hate now, John Edwards, used to love to say. I mean what is it that make both Republicans and Democrats Americans beside the fact that they were born in the US. Why is abortion an obsession for males who seem not know anything about women?

Light Mourning

I'm still trying to get over the Yankees's win and over the fact that I'm going to have to survive their parade tomorrow. Let's hope that they don't do it again next year otherwise, I will just have to stop watching Baseball.

Hating the rain

I'm having a terrible week. What is it with New York and the rain this year? I have decided to try to get a flu shot just because it would be a nightmare in my current condition if I get any type of flu this season. Man and I thought the Fall would be lovely, well, I guess I just can't predict anything. I'm rereading David Mitchell's Cloud Altas and it's so good that it almost makes me feel warm.

Yankees Hater

Well, as all passionate Red Sox Fans, as soon as the Sox are eliminated from the post-season I become a passionate Yankees hater. Thus, I hope that at least the Angels take the series to Game 7. However, I have the sick feeling that this year might be one of those cursed years when the Yankees are just destined to win it all. It will hard to be in New York  for the day of the parade. The first thing I see from my window is my neighbor's Yankees flag, which I have to fight the urge to burn it.

Overworked, unwell, and unsatisfied

I'm overworked, but the worst part of it is that I'm not enjoying what I'm doing may be due in part to the fact that I'm out of energy. I'm still anemic, but it's better than on the beginning of the year, even though it's still kicking my you what. I'm finding the older you get, the harder it becomes not to do what what you love even if what you do pays the bill.

A time to heal

I'm starting my week stuck in bed unable to get up. It wouldn't be too bad if it was a pleasing or even a refreshing experience. It isn't. The quality of my sleep is awful and I have neither the concentration nor the desire to read a book. Since the Red Sox got swept, I have turned off the TV and the radio. In short, it's a wonderful life ! Isn't just me or does it feel like New York didn't have any real Fall this year? I feel like the maddening cold got here too quickly.

Time out

I'm taking a time out probably until Monday, but before I go, I will leave with you this sugary excerpt, which just reinforces my antagonism to Supernanny and to other shows that make a mockery of the complexity of parenting and of children:

Sure, Supernanny remains must-watch TV for millions, bookshop shelves are cluttered with child-raising manuals and newspapers continue to report a constant stream of advice from the government and official bodies on how to raise children and run family life. It remains true that it’s a rare mum or dad who doesn’t obsess about their child’s safety, diet, educational attainment, social skills and general wellbeing. But it was inevitable that the current level of scrutiny given to private family life, and the social expectation that not only does ‘every child matter’ but that we should always be ‘putting children first’, would rustle up resentment.
And so it has – particularly among many middle-class mums who, while often believing that other people need advice and intervention, resent being addressed themselves in the patronising tones of expert advice. Having been sold a philosophy that the general troublesomeness of children is the product of dysfunctional parenting, they struggle to explain and accept their own battles at bed times, meal times, bath times and more or less any time when something needs to be done. Having been sold a promise that parenting ‘when done properly’ is stimulating, engaging and rewarding, they are bemused and frustrated with the stultifying tedium that comprises so much of domestic life. A domestic crisis becomes a personal crisis of being; it wasn’t meant to be this way.
“The slummy mummy rebellion is about as full of insight as a toddler’s tantrum”
This mother-malcontent has been reflected in an ever-growing genre of mummy-lit that sticks up two fingers at the orthodoxy of perfect parenting, pokes it in the eye and celebrates the dysfunctional chaos that is normal family life. But while we take to our hearts the fictional mothers who distress shop-bought mince pies to make them look home-made for the school cake sale, and we smile at tales of ‘cocktail playgroups’ serving martinis to mums, we put the books down unsatisfied. However entertaining they might be, they seem shallow; as raucous as a cheap laugh. This is because the reaction is just a reaction, and as full of insight as a toddler’s tantrum. Just as a two-year-old refuses to behave and tears the ribbon out of her hair, so the self-styled slummy mummy refuses to behave and reaches for the Chablis.

Time of the seasons

I'm simply enjoying a great Fall Saturday. One of the reasons why it is great is because I'm reading Marylinne Robinson's Housekeeping, which elevates my mood

Shutting up

I'm brain dead and in a state of panic over the meaningless of my existence so I'm shutting up. I'm taking a few days off. To end on a high note, I like Sara Gruen's writing. I'm not sure that I love it, but I can see myself getting there or just enjoying it from time to time like I enjoy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (an over the top but soulful and necessary american creation). 

Bouche cousue

I'm trying hard to take fully advantage of what is for me the last day of summer so I have nothing say except that I wish it would have rained more this weekend , that I hope that Yankees don't win the World Series and that Nadal is able to make it to the second week of the US Open.

Ted Kennedy

Ted Kennedy died last night. The one thing I will say about Ted Kennedy is that he made the most of what he had and that makes him in my view not only the greatest Kennedy, but also a great American.

Allergic reaction

I had a strange allergic reaction to something I ate last night and what scares me is that I still don't know what it is. I just reminds me that even in New York, one has to be careful about one eats especially when eating raw food such as Sushi.

The magic of television

Just watching TV this Sunday (Golf). It's too hot outside and I'm too tired to take the chance of falling in the streets of Manhattan. I can hardly wait for the Fall.

TGIF

I'm not thanking God for it, but I'm just glad that it's Friday.

Blissful August

What I love the most about August is that it signals the end of Summer and the beginning of my favorite  season, which is Fall. The weather, this year in New York, has been unexpectedly unstable and edgy. My hope is that the rest of the year will be more comforting especially that the winter won't start early and most of all that Fall will last a long time.

Je suis malade

This song describes perfectly how I'm feeling this morning. I'm sick and the rain isn't helping.

Embracing emptiness

I feel empty...well it's summer so it's understandable.

L'héautontimorouménos

For me the summer isn't just hot, but cruel because I'm trying not to be too Baudelairian, not to be too much of masochist and poetically self-absorbed. It's a challenge. I'm reading a great book, which puts a lot of what matters at the forefront of my existence, it's Little Bee by Chris Cleeve. It's very well written, but what impresses me most is that Cleeve has found a way not to talk about Africa, as a place out there, alien, sub or non human, but as a place where things ought to make sense and where people, orphans, or whoever else are just people struggling the complexities of their humanity. So far, it's deliciously complex and it's a blast!

Queen of denial

I'm trying hard to live as though my anemia wasn't affecting my life, but it is. The only way I was able to get out my apartment this weekend was to take a cab to go to my destination and to come back home, which is something I never do especially in such a beautiful day in Manhattan. What a waste! I feel like a dead woman walking.

Grinding

I'm feeling probably just like Tiger Woods is feeling at the moment as he is about to miss the cut at the British Open. I'm grinding, struggling to survive, not to lose it, whatever "it" is.

Quality of life

I had a great Fourth of July Weekend ! It reminded me how important it is to turn off my laptop sometimes and to relax. Sometimes less is more.

The sky has fallen

I'm dealing with a lot of crappy thing, excuse my French. So I will blog irregularly for a while. I mean hell when you starts getting dirt on your shoulders, it just invites more problems.

Quilibet audendi potestas

I'm daring to take some time off this week-end. I'm braindead...

Too much

I believe that in our time the hardest thing to find is balance. Everybody is talking about Michael Jackson and the media is, of course, one more time, overdoing it, because it's the only thing that it knows how to do in these cases. The saddest thing  is that you realize very quickly that the show is about something else and that the deceased has been depersonified, objectified and that the feelings expressed by individuals who are, often too exhibistionistic or too manipulative (which doesn't mean necessarily that they are insincere) , are about the ones expressing them not the person who died. Tragedies don't have to become spectacles.

Sh*t happens!

I'm having a tough weekend so far...I'm struggling with so many issues that I wish I could just scream in the streets of Manhattan to let my frustration out instead of letting it build inside of me. Well, the good news is that all I have to do is to learn how to be more patient and master self-control. The bad news for me is that I'm not sure that I can do it.

Taking the time to enjoy Sushi

I'm almost done reading L'Elégance du Hérisson. It is taking me an usually great amount of time because I have no free time and because I have decided to make the experience last a little while. I'm at the end of the novel, I'm wondering if I'm love, in lust or just hypnotized by something unfamiliar, too peculiar not to be more than alright. That's the only subject I'm allowing myself to ponder, for now... I will finish it this weekend.

It's always about rythm

Well, nil novi sub sole, my life is about work, work, work, work, espresso and fatigue. I listen to Keziah Johnes a lot not to fall asleep and let my brain die.

Home office

It is more exhausting to work at home than in an office. I have been working from home for almost a week now and I am more tired than I was before. I'm refusing to accept that anemia is a real sickness so I'm blaming everything on the fact that I'm not as organized and focused as I should be. Apart from that, the weather in New York just sucks to say thing prosaically and bluntly. It feels like there was never any spring and that summer is cheating with winter because it is actually cold.  I only have a simple wish right now; it is to find the strength to exercise, just a little bit, to feel useful physically. I have no energy. I can't focus. I feel like I live in a coffin. What a year!

Anything but a smooth transition

This week is another tough one for me so I won't post as much as I want to. I have so many things to do and an apartment to order. My anemia makes me feel like I weigh 500 pounds and like my brain is a thousand years old. I have just ordered a new computer and new "smartphone" so I'm in what I like to call a transitional period that hopefully will make my world and my work more technologically savvy. After I heard the news yesterday on the new Iphone, I was so happy I resisted the urge to get one last week. The trouble that I have one is that I don't see the point of getting one if I constantly need to worry about the fact that it is costing me way to more that it ought and that Apple will in the next month come up with something better. I think a phone company should do an Ad comparing the its product to the Iphone just like Apple does with pc with those persuasive commercials on TV, which make you want to get a  Apple computer just to avoid having to deal with Vista and other silly Windows updates. That said, I'm going to get a Macbook Pro fairly soon, but I will wait another year to get an Iphone.

Il pleut doucement sur la ville

I'm working from home today. I'm physically exhausted and I'm braindead. I have no energy. The fact that it is raining buckets in New York doesn't help. Anyway, I've started reading L'Elégance du Hérisson and I'm waiting to finish it and to digest it to write anything on it. In other words, I don't know whether I like it or not, it is a little bit like the first time you have sushi, you have to finish the meal before you decide whether you like raw fish.

Impatience and fear

I've just realized that impatience has a lot to do with fear and that sometimes, it is closely related to self-derogation. I just got a copy of Muriel Barbery L'Élégance du hérisson (The Elegance of the Hedgehog). I will read it tonight and probably finish it if it is half as good as the person who offered it to me says it is. In any case, I don't think I can get anywhere without patience, but at the same, what do I do with my quenching thirst for speed. My favorite song in High School was Let is Flow because at the time, I already knew that I had a problem with time, with letting go, with being Zen, may be that's why I liked my Judaism's class so damn much.

My head is too heavy

My migraines have come back as they usually do at this time of the year so I'm taking a little break. 

...

I'm shutting up to take full advantage of Memorial Day.

An obsession with time

I'm trying hard to relax and to enjoy my weekend. But it is impossible because I keep anticipating next week's events. I'm obsessed with time. The problem is that it doesn't seem to like me. Anyway, I'm reading Hugo's Les Misérables for the first time in 13 years and it is still a great and fresh read.

Staying a kid

I'm currently reading Losing Mum and Pup by Christopher Buckley which is a book on the life and the death of his parents. It is a fun read even though it makes me wonder whether it is possible not to be mark by your parents's worst traits especially when you don't have their strength of characters what it takes to live with them.

Keeping things simple

It's an acceptable day in New York even though the rain is threatening to come back. I'm staying in doors because I have a lot of books to read and a stressful week coming next week. Well, here is a song for the road.

French and a rush of blood to the head

When I'm brain dead, surprisingly it becomes impossible for me to write in English, which explains why I haven't been posting as much as I want to. I'm suffering from chronic fatigue, which just drains all of my energy and makes it impossible for me to write bilingually because I have this awful sense of being near death because my brain has frozen. Luckily, I live in a city where getting a cab is easy and where you can do everything else on the net such as buy decent groceries. English may be my lazy language, but I have the feeling that in these times when it is difficult for me to find the energy to do what I want /have to do, I revert to French not to feel useless and dead.

New York in April

I have to say that I'm absolutely hating my first April in New York. The weather doesnt seem to be able to make up its mind about whether we are still in the winter or at the beginning of spring. Nevertheless, the great thing about New York is that even when it sucks, things are happening and when one loves movement as I do one just has to get over one's sour mood. I'm rereading the first volume of Beckett and I have to say that a part of me wonders if I should be reading them. I know that we live in a time when voyeurism is no longer a vice, but still, questions of privacy remain and of the intent of the writer remain unanswered.

Back for more

Well, I'm back after the longer hiatus I've taken since I started this blog three years ago. I took the time to get settled in New York and to work on the biggest project of my life, which is close to becoming a reality. The time has come for me to write more and to do it better. So I'm back and I promised to be better and to post as much as possible.

Revoir Paris

I'm flying to Paris tomorrow to spend a few days in what remains for to me la capitale de l'allégresse before going to a warmer and more tropical Eden. This song by Jacques Dutronc describes perfectly my current state of mind and my mood. Things are going so fast around me that I have to stop and to remind myself to enjoy the good times. Anyway,  since I feel like around everything around me " n'est qu'ordre et beauté, luxe, calme et volupté," I'm going to remain in semi-exile from this blog for a while. Happy Holidays to all of you and since I'm too obsessive not to write, I will post from time to time.